Pakistani Love and Sex…A tale of two distinct passions

Pakistanis are blessed with one of those unique attributes that people wish they had. We can easily separate love from sex and sex from love, hence the hugely popular and successful repertoire of arranged marriages .

Don’t think that Pakistani couples let lack of love or understanding come in the way of sex. We don’t even let the lack of sexual chemistry come in the way. Where chemistry of a sexual nature is concerned we have concocted potions that would put Merlin to shame.

The only thing that we require before having regular marital sex is parallel proximity to our spouse. Once that’s achieved the positions we conjure are something that Kama Sutra should be rewritten for.

Sex in Pakistani marriages is had for many reasons. Some common ones to note are as follows,

1. Angry sex:

This is the sex that’s initiated by the wife after having an argument with the mother-in-law. This is imperative sex, even though angry. This is the “I’ll get you back” sex. So what if mother-in-law didn’t lose the argument? The wife will make mother-in-law’s son a loser in this and have angry sex which she will determine the rules for. Even though most husbands would say they come out the winner in this, on a deep psychological level this is akin to eating an annoying colleague’s lunch. The colleague might say that the sandwich was not particularly eat-worthy but will nonetheless walk around with an empty feeling in his stomach. Get the drift?

2. “I’m bored” sex:

Sex is an entertainment, even the most cynical of you can’t deny that. It’s a form of killing five minutes or an hour, depending on how bored you are. It does occupy some of that time. There is time that’s spent negotiating where to plonk the kids (upstairs or downstairs TV), making sure that no deliveries from the mailman are scheduled during that time, also checking that all the social media activities are partaken in before sex is indulged in.

3. “Thank you” sex:

Pakistani women feel obligated to have sex with their husbands if they act like husbands or fathers. They wash the dishes, we have sex. They change the diaper, we have sex. They turn off the TV after they’re done, we have sex. If our patriarchal men fart and it’s not in our direction we reward them for their utmost consideration by having sex. Personally, I haven’t turned out very Pakistani in this regard. I have told my husband that if he does house chores so I’d reward him by letting him have his way with me then that would make him a chauvinistic Neanderthal and I’m not into that species of humans at all.

4. Apology sex:

This sex is usually initiated by the husband. This is the foreplay sex. Yes ladies! Don’t think I wasn’t going to mention the foreplay sex which our men engage in only when they have committed a deadly mistake like forgot to pick up our parents from the airport or didn’t pickup after their friends after watching the Super Bowl or couldn’t be bothered with you running like a headless chicken the day of a party. They initiate this sex as a sorry for their ass behavior. Now some might wonder why a woman would even accept this type of atrocity. Let me tell you that Pakistani men have a whole routine that goes before this and it starts with “let me rub your shoulders”. Because we hardly see our men so loving and considerate, we are immediately taken and give in to whatever they might insist on doing afterwards. Some of the nicest and most forgiving women are found in Pakistan.

5. Makeup sex:

Many ethnicities have makeup sex for pent-up passion. Pakistanis have it for that and for a way to reset the whole marriage. Husbands can cheat but if they come back and sleep with us at night we are told that that’s what matters ultimately. Even though I acknowledge it as a part of patriarchy and some horizontal hostility I cannot ignore the fact that this is like the best deal that men ever made. They can do whatever but just by virtue of remaining our bed partners they are given a pedestal. What can I say? If makeup sex is what does it for you then go for it! But in theory and practicality, it’s not something that should reset anything.

6. “You’re going to be at your mom’s place so I want to get my sex in” sex:

This, honestly, is the most nonsensical sex. Is sex a quota that needs to be accounted for? Is there some type of orgasm audit that men have to keep a balance book for? What the hell is this cheap trick? Making puppy dog eyes at their wives who are trying to pack enough stuff for four weeks for four children and running frantically in the kitchen to cook enough meat for four weeks for the husband isn’t a particularly high point but these husbands don’t get it. In the days leading up to their wives’ departure they have sex multiple times a day in various settings. It’s almost like the prepper culture for Covid-19 where people store enough toilet paper for when they have to stay indoors. Do these men store orgasms somewhere and break them out when the need arises?

7. First time sex (can last for many times by the way, thanks to lack of sex education).

First time sex is so awkward and forced that it deserves its own place in the hall of sex. It’s bumpy, starts with two shy and ends with two sweaty and unsuccessful people. It’s a shame really that instead of being told about their anatomy and their partner’s, men and women are taught ways to get pregnant . Ultimately everyone gets pregnant. Even ants procreate and I haven’t seen a penis on them ever so I don’t know what the big hullabaloo is all about.

8. “You look nice” sex:

By now you probably have understood that Pakistanis’ main love language is sex and its various shades. So therefore our men can’t express their appreciation of us in anyway which is non sexual. Some women have been so scarred by unsolicited sex after they merely put their hair up in a bun that they now prefer walking around like a banshee to ward off any attacks.

Love, lastly, is a Pakistani forte too. We love passionately and with abandon. Unless our parents or in-laws are around. Then we act like siblings.

Or if our children are around. Because why the hell would any god-fearing parent cavort with their spouse when the kids are around? That sets a terrible example of love and respect.

Or if we are by ourselves. We don’t show love then either. Because let’s be honest! Who has the energy to show passion, love and lust when they get two minutes of quiet after tending to the Pakistani society at large. All we want to do, after the occasional nuanced sex, is to just snore loudly in the privacy of our rooms.