Quirky Pakistani 3

“Honey! Your nipples are showing”.

“Yes, Mom, it’s cold”.

“Cover them, honey”.

“How can I cover them?”

“Erm… wear a sweatshirt”.

“Mom! I’m wearing a sweatshirt”.

“Wear another one. Didn’t you say it’s cold?”

“It’s not that cold, Mom”.

“Honey! Your nipples are showing. Put a sweatshirt on or may be a sweater”.

“Okay, Mom, here! I put another sweatshirt on”.

“I can still see them”.

“So how many sweatshirts can I wear?”

“Honey! Keep adding layers until you can’t see your nipples through them”.

“Okay, Mom, I’ve got three sweatshirts on. Can I go to school now? I’m getting late”.

“Honey! They’re still showing. Looks like we’ll have to skip school today”.


“Dad! Can I learn to drive?”

“What for, honey?”

“What do you mean? Can I learn to drive a car?”

“Answer my question, honey! What do you want to learn to drive a car for?”

“Why do people learn to drive, Dad?”

“Don’t answer a question with a question. That’s disrespectful. Argue your point”.

“Well…… I want to drive a car”.

“For what?”

“For transport”.

“There’s public transport that is right around the corner”.

“I know, Dad, but I’m 21 and without a license. All my friends have been driving since they were 16”.

“So do you want to drive or do you want to tell your friends that you can drive? Those are two very different things, you know”.

“I understand, Dad. But it’s embarrassing when I have to take a bus to work. Everyone my age has been driving for ages”.

“Okay. So you need to go to work in a car?”

“Yes, Dad, please”.

“Tell you what? I’ll drop you off to work every morning. I’ll pick you up too. What does a retired person have to do if not cater to his sweetest girl? Then you can show off to your friends how you’ve got the best dad ever”.

“But, Dad, that’s not what I…..”

“7:00 AM sharp tomorrow morning. I won’t be waiting for you. Get in the car at 7”.

“But my work doesn’t start until 9”.

“Why can’t you get there a little early? Better for you to get a head start. Don’t just worry about one-upping your friends where it doesn’t matter. A promotion is what matters. You know how to get it?”

“Erm…. no!”

“By showing up super early. See ya”.


“Mom! I’m thinking of going on a mission trip”.

“Where, honey?”

“My friends are going on a relief mission for the earthquake in Puerto Rico. I’d like to go too”.

“Oh, Honey, can’t you do it after you get married? What will people say if you start trotting across the globe?”

“But Mom Puerto Rico is part of the United States. How is that trotting across the globe?”

“It’s not the United States. Who tells you these things? Are you part of a political cult? Tell me honestly! What’s going on in Puerto Rico? It’s not a cult convention of some sort, is it?”

“No, Mom, why would I go to a cult meeting? Can I not help fellow humans?”

“Honey! We can absolutely help fellow humans. Why don’t you help your brother with his math homework? That’s the real help. There must be so many people to help earthquake victims but you’re the only sister God gave your brother. Helping him is more honorable”.


“Mom! Can I go out with my friends?”

“Where, honey?”

“Just to the delicatessen”.

“For sandwiches?”


“Who else is coming?”

“Kevin, Andrea and Rupa”.

“Oh! No brown Pakistani Muslim boys?”

“I’m not friends with any brown Pakistani Muslim boys, Mom!”

“Hmm. No, honey”.

“Why? Just because there isn’t a prospective groom for me in this group, I can’t go?”

“Honey! I’m not an unreasonable mother. If you can add a Pakistani Muslim boy to this then I can reconsider”.

Two hours later.

“Mom! I found Sajid”.

“He’s Pakistani?”



“Of course”.


“What do you think Pakistani Muslims’ color is, Mom?”

“Okay, honey. That’s perfect. Let’s do this. Let’s have all your friends come over for dinner tonight. I’ll make biryani. Why do you need to go to the delicatessen now? “.

“Mom! Andrea and Kevin don’t eat biryani?”

“Nonsense. Everyone eats biryani”.

“They don’t, Mom. They can’t stomach desi food”.

“Okay that’s their problem. Who cares about them anyway?”

“I do, Mom. They’re my best friends”.

“So what’s Sajid? Chopped liver?”

“Mom! He’s an emergency guy that Andrea went out with ages ago and has agreed to come because you were giving me so much trouble about going out with Andrea, Kevin and Rupa”.

“So he dated Andrea?”


“Never mind. Boys date.”

“And girls?”

“Girls get married”.


“Can I go now, Mom?”

“Honey! Bring them over. How will I meet Sajid if you don’t bring him here?”

“Why do you need to meet him?”

“For you”.

“For me?”

“Yes. May be he’s the one for you”.

“But Mom he’s the token emergency guy. He’s not the one for me. I don’t even know him”.

“That’s why he’d make a perfect husband, honey. Anonymity is everything”.

“I think I’ll have biryani with you and dad, Mom. Don’t feel like going out now. My mood is killed”.

“Oh honey if Sajid isn’t coming then you’ll be eating chawal daal”.

“Guess you care a lot about a strange man than your own daughter, Mom”. 😏

“Not a strange man, honey! A brown Pakistani Muslim man. The best there is. The one for my precious daughter “.

“But I don’t even know him”.

“That’s not necessary, honey. You will have your entire marriage to know him”.

“Sure, Mom. I’ll be in my bedroom. I have some ramen to eat so don’t worry about my dinner”.

“Ramen? That’s not nutritious, honey”.

“It’s literally the same nutrition that chawal daal is”.

“Yes. But when you eat chawal daal you get closer to your culture so it nourishes your soul too. Does ramen do that?”


“I knew it, honey! Nothing like brown Pakistani Muslim culture”.

“I guess, Mom”.


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