I want to have sex but I don’t have the time.

I know I’m touching a nerve with so many women here with the title of this blog post.

Each morning I wake up with a new vigor for life. Each night I slump into our marital bed, exhausted and unaware of my husband’s frightened advances. He finally gives up and sleeps.

Some nights I don’t immediately sleep but I pretend to. I don’t have the energy to think, let alone move and sex requires moving. It also requires the mood.

Aaaah! “The mood”! The most elusive metric of good sex. The most measurable and reliable one too. If the mood is good then you better believe it will be a night to remember. But how do you get into the mood when all you can think of is the mental checklist of whether everything is ready for the morning! If all their bags are stocked, lunches are made, clothes have been set out. If the TV was turned off before coming to bed and the doors were locked. You keep ruminating over the check list, thinking of how some of the kids can be delegated tasks to make them more independent. While working the kinks out of your domestic life in your head, you fall asleep.

Have we ever stopped to wonder why sex comes at the bottom of our to-do list? Have we ever thought of it as necessary? Have we ever appreciated the carnal need for it and its happy effects on our bodies? And have we ever really understood that physical intimacy is a huge part of a romantic relationship? Particularly a married one. And lastly, do we appreciate how quick, cheap and easy sex is? Have we enumerated its benefits on our spousal relationship, mutual understanding and the feeling that marriage is about fun stuff too? Adult type fun stuff?

Sex has been a taboo topic and so that has slowly seeped into the minds of women. We think it’s a way to get kids and please our men. But wait! Before you limit sex to other purposes, think about all the times you were sexually aroused by someone or something . Now do you see how sex is made for both genders’ pleasure?

But it can be hard to have sex as regularly as when some people have it while dating. That’s one of the upsides of dating. When you set a date, there is usually a subliminal hope and chance for sex. That becomes the highlight of the food and conversation. It also becomes something to look forward to. It becomes a great way to work your way through a badly cooked dinner. You’re looking forward to the sex that will come after. It also makes you enter the mood slowly. Anticipation of it lights the mood.

Married couples! Continue dating. If it isn’t naturally coming to you then fix a date and time to have physical intimacy. Also, make sure physical closeness doesn’t just happen in bed. Hold hands, kiss and hug throughout the day. It sets a good picture for the kids (of course nothing too graphic around them) that mom and dad love each other. They understand that this is a big part of their parents’ love life.

Also, the more sex we have, the more enjoyable it becomes because not only do we find out more about our partner but we also discover things about our own body. This makes it fun and fulfilling.

When we have frequent sex, the need for a quick process slowly fades. Then achieving an orgasm and feeling accomplished in it becomes secondary. Then exploring each other and pleasing each other become more attractive and the next goal.

Sex is as enjoyable as it’s engaged in.

I’m a busy physician. I have a child with autism and a toddler. My husband and I have some adult stuff to manage in our lives with young kids and busy schedules. But we make time for each other. We have learned this through time and dry spells that sex is the unspoken language that sometimes fills all the gaps. It makes us a better couple and better parents. Do we always have the time for an elaborate date night? No. But do we always have an hour after the kids go down and there’s nothing much to do on a weekend night? Yes.