As I broke up with yet another boyfriend, one of my good girlfriends commented,
“Wasn’t there anything to salvage this one?”
I’m a serial breaker-upper. I have had longer no-relationship spells than when I was in one. It has been a formative experience. It hasn’t been a summative one. Wish it was! Formative experiences are painful.
People probably think I’m so difficult that a man can’t be with me. But the truth is that men have been so narcissistic in my experience that I haven’t been able to stick with them for too long.
Because of their narcissism it is hard for them to let go of me, their chief supply to stroke their ego. This is why each time the breakup happened, I initiated it. And I didn’t get majorly offended either when he acted like it was his idea all along. It’s okay! I’m not a self-important person and therefore don’t need that type of morbid validation.
One of my girlfriends pointed out when she dated one of my exes that my breakup with this particular ex was hard for her to understand because “sex was so good and he smelled so amazing”. Guess we all want different things from an emotional relationship. I wanted some occasional stimulating conversation and mental alliance.
Many women have mentioned in passing that my frequent breaking up with eligible men has me becoming known as a difficult woman. Can’t say I care about that observation much. I could be called a hyena for all I care if I could live a life with a partner of my choice. Why do people think that I want the same things from my relationship that the next woman wants? I’d much rather have my significant other have a feather duster for a penis if that made him more efficient with cleaning up after him.
But here’s the irony! Women don’t trust women when they tell them that someone was a bad partner. That he was a narcissist. That he was a lazy bum. That he was a couch potato. That he simply didn’t bring anything to the table or the bedroom. They don’t trust their own gender. They set out to experiment with these marvelous specimens on their own. They want to check the validity of this feedback. I mean, would you ever test a potential employer out like this? You’d run for the hills if someone told you that you could get a job with their sadistic employer. Then why not have the same standard for a romantic relationship?
I think I can tell why! I think I know why women are so awe-inspired but in slight disgust of a woman like me. Someone who dumps men instead of waiting for a man to dump her. Someone who has vowed to never be the victim of a man who can’t be a partner.
I can tell this more because I’m a woman too and many a time in the wee hours of the morning the fear of loneliness creeps through the crevices of the walls in my room where the paint is peeling and the moon makes strange shadows with my writing desk. This fear takes possession of my cognition, intuition, rationality also. It’s a paralyzing fear that women probably have because of the perceived nature of a man as a partner and a protector and a provider. Because of the perceived nature of the woman not being in charge ever. Because of the perceived nature of her not being enough ever.
I get this fear too but if truth be told, I’ve gotten over it for the most part now. I don’t want a man. I don’t want a man if his sole contribution to my relationship is sex which also is usually on a man’s terms. I don’t want a man just to go to events with a date. I don’t want a partner for my loneliness only to realize that my loneliness remains and now I feel alone while in company.
I’ve decided that this is the worse of the two feelings of loneliness. The one where I’m laying in bed with my boyfriend, staring at the ceiling, moonlight breaking through the crevices in the walls where the paint is peeling, my mind a whirlwind of bizarre thoughts of being cheated out of love and camaraderie, my supposed relationship winning only a superficial coupling in the process, while doing nothing for my soul.