Hey influencer! Errr…. is that how people address you?

Influencer, inspirer, lifestyler, blogger……blah blah blah. I’m flipping through blog after blog of Instagram blogging and find myself not influenced, not inspired and definitely not better styled than when I started the browsing. Hahaha.

One of the cool things that has happened with social media is the over-inflated ego industry’s inception. Don’t get offended. Hear me out.

I was contacted by an 18 year old boy, who never went to college because “college is sooooo last year” but wanted to have a relationship with an older woman so she could teach him something. Now, we didn’t get into the nitty gritty of it but what he wanted me to teach him is still a work in progress with myself so…….. I excused myself. Also, I have already taught all that to my husband so my wisdom in the department of questionable bedroom activities has already been exhausted. I told that little boy to look for another benefactor for this charity work. I had already done my good deed for the day. But before he left my virtual side he assured me that I would always have a special place in his heart because I look like his first crush…….. his third grade teacher. This compliment, as you can imagine, is enough to win any lady over when she is PMSing so I immediately “hopped on over” to his Instagram and looked for the said teacher. I didn’t find her but what I actually found was the description that my online, virtual, morally weird and financially likely bankrupt admirer had posted for himself. And this is how it goes,

” I’m an influencer like no other. I’m an inspirer like there has never been. Come into my arms and I’ll show you the world”.

Yup, this was his introduction to himself and as I had guessed, his fake profile picture was of none other but another little boy whom I suspect has had similar tag lines to himself…….. yup, you got it! Justin Bieber. So this guy and I won’t work because I have a philosophical difference with Justin Bieber’s ethical values when it comes to women. He charms smart women like Selena Gomez into being his girlfriend purely through the mechanism of pity (these women take pity on him) and just for that reason I don’t find him honorable. So I had to move on from a virtual relationship of potentially endless possibilities . Another reason why this guy and I won’t work is because I’m married. This fact of my life has become more of an after thought in this age of open relationships but I digress.

The other thing that social media is promoting is outright massacre of languages in the name of “Twitter appropriateness”. Someone recently told me that I won’t ever find my footing on Twitter because I can’t be concise. Well if all the slangs and curse words that make most of the Twitter posts are an exercise in concise then I’d rather just work myself out on my treadmill. That exercise will bring me something like new songs on Pandora. Being concise on Twitter and slamming people verbally isn’t really my thing.

But since because this person really wanted to take me under his wing he showed me his Twitter. And I know he was expecting me to give him my house for free for this favor but……. a more atrocious thing I have never seen. Not only is this guy with 170,000 followers but also is following women who like to undress on Twitter. Now I’m not judging. People can be free with their speech and clothes. And I’m sure the bedroom is a very hot and humid place at times. I have wanted to undress in my balcony with the breeze in my face but my fat rolls have counseled me each time I’ve felt the urge to do it. Also, I’m sure my next-door neighbor recently had a heart attack and survived miraculously. I don’t want him to die over substandard material offered by me. He should go to Twitter and choose his undresser.

But I mean this guy was just talking smack. The type of content he’s following is really simple, animalistic, Basic Instinct Sharon Stone style. It doesn’t require a lot of words. Just a few carefully placed emojis in a barely constructed sentence would be enough to compliment a gorgeous woman. And for people who are really miserly in words, they just send a pic of some choice body parts. Don’t ask me which. Go on Twitter.

After careful search of content and getting recommendations from like-minded people I decided that I’m just gonna find my inspiration in women. I mean yes minor bumps awaited me here also like a woman who wanted to “get with me”. I finally realized what that meant and told her point blank that she won’t be finding me in the same pool with her.

Women inspired me initially until…… the pictures took over. As an amateur blogger I’ve been collecting tips on what works. And you’d be surprised to know that influencers and inspirers shamelessly say “Pictures work”. Dear influencer! If pictures work then why don’t you start a photography school? Posting pretty pictures with a barely there thought in the comments is ripping me off of the intellectual aspiration that I have.

But as with everything in life, “Pictures Work” became my mantra. Can I tell you that’s like a full-time job? It’s easy to say “take good pictures” but do you even know what you’re suggesting? You’re suggesting losing my thirty pounds extra so I can fit into something. Okay so that’s going to delay my blog. I can may be just take pics of my kids. Well that’s not happening because as soon as the first pic went up, well-wishers called me and reminded me of the evil eye.

So I had to settle on something less evil-eyeable and that is without contest, my dog. My dog can do it all. Don’t think my pictures are any less just because they have my fur baby. My dog, since the blogging has started, has been most instrumental in making my blog a homeschooling blog with pictures of a dog. He can pout, he can take a selfie, he can squint, he can pretend to read, and he can also detect fake followers. Basically, he’s performing slightly higher than I expected my kids to, so dog stays.

Now I’m a follower for the most part. Unless you count my dog’s account that I have made. That account follows me. Rest I’m giving the world a chance to inspire me by following them. But I’m not getting inspired. Anybody knows why?

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