5 questions that the Rishta brigade will ask so learn the answers.

The Rishta brigade has so many rote questions that I’m amazed at girls and their parents not providing the answers to these conventional ladies beforehand. It would save time. It would also help with minimizing embarrassment. It would be refreshing to talk about something else over tea than the same damn questions that we knew they’d ask and still didn’t answer prior to their landing at our doorstep. Let’s go over some useful ones.

1. Can you cook? This isn’t a hypothetical question by the way. Neither is this a real question. It’s a trick question. It has layered nuance. It isn’t a sincere attempt at knowing your skills of housewifery. It is a veiled attempt at mocking you and comparing you with other participants of the rat race for their ineligible son. You’d think that a simple answer would be “yes”, right? Or “no”, right? Wrong! A simple answer is “what would you like me to cook?” Trust me! The best way to divert an egregious question is with another hypothetical and frivolous question. Make it sound like a fun game that two people can play at. If they do give you a favorite that they’d like you to cook, ask them why they chose it. Make it a philosophical conversation about their food choices just being as stupid as their way of choosing a bride for their guy. It works, ladies! You don’t want to play in their hands by being coy and innocent.

2. How tall are you? Imagine how stupid someone has to be to not be able to ballpark a girl’s height just by looking at her. Imagine how unaware they are that they can’t estimate visually if you’re taller or shorter than their boy. Just imagine how idiotic this question is and then answer it with a measure that was made for simple people who haven’t been to school. Tell them you’re the tallest of all the girls in your class. Or by using your hand show them you’re yay high. Or just stand up and say “I’m this tall”. Simple explanations for simple people!

3. Would you like to continue working after you get married? Don’t answer this question seriously unless it’s a witch asking with some insight into your future and therefore may be able to give you a helpful answer. So that’s the first counter question to this question. “Are you a witch?” If the conversation at all proceeds after this then we can tackle this one in a few ways. See the first rule to answering a potentially intrusive question is to determine the intent behind it. So you’ll have to establish the intent. Is this an innocuously asked question by a socially inept woman? In that case you can be upfront and honest and tell them that you don’t like to predict the future. If it is asked by a woman who is savvy enough to use this against you in the future then ask her what she would like the answer to be. Trust me, asking people what their question meant is a helpful tool to gain insight into their ulterior motives.

4. Do your parents own this home?

I know what you’re thinking. Why this intrusive AF question. Don’t get all up in arms when someone asks this question. Try to see what the intent is. But let’s cut to the chase. Usually this question is a subtle, poorly sophisticated attempt at a more crass and outrageous question! “How much are your parents financially able to give you when you marry my son?”

See how this question preserves their dignity in their minds while ripping you of your own. There are several ways to approach this one and each has its merits and some potential downsides.

A. If you’re a playful person answer with some cutting, “I’m hip to your jive” type answers like “why’re you asking? Would you like to buy it?” Or “no we don’t own it. We cheated someone out of it and now they live on the streets”. Or ” what do you mean by ownership? That’s a nuanced word and let me grab the dictionary so we can dissect this together”.

B. If you’re a more reserved type of girl who doesn’t like to mess with serious concepts you can be honest in whether you do or don’t own the place .

C. If you’re just as crass as they are, ask them to tell you if their breasts originally grew on them or were created on a silicone plant before you’d answer them. This is fair and even. They can’t argue that it’s not.

5. How old are you?

This question deserves its own resounding applause. In a world where boy families do everything in their power to hide as many facts about their girls and boys, it’s ironic that they’d go to abnormally screwed up lengths to find out what a girl’s age is. Then they’ll all pretend that they don’t believe it. Then they’ll pretend that they’re all younger than her. Then they’ll show a benevolent acceptance of her age as reported by her and continue giving her the side eye. It’s obnoxious I know. The best way to answer this one is to say you’re ninety and on your deathbed but just so you see everything in this lifetime you decided to have a string of unsuitable suitors and their families and took to parading yourself in front of them. This is your one last wish and can you tell them how grateful you are to them for obliging you?

Would you score a guy with these answers? No one knows. Trust me! These are generally trick questions and require lengthy answers so these god forsaken women can count your teeth, measure your tongue, watch you eat, observe you squirm, make jokes at your expense and be a liability on this society.