10 things men taught me to be a proper lady.

Yes ladies! If you’re not the proper lady yet, here’s the manual. I mean I had to publish this one, didn’t I? So many of you are always complaining about not really being liked by women and not getting due attention from men. You knew this was coming. This list isn’t exhaustive or comprehensive. It keeps changing. Trust me that it’s a huge progress that we are down to ten things to be a proper lady in 2019. In 1919 this list had a hundred points.

1. Get your eyelash game down: I mean why are you looking people in the eye? That’s so frickin’ creepy and brazen. Hasn’t anyone ever told you how women bat eyelashes to bag mates? No! Really? How come? Are you a feminist? No, you can’t be! You’re wearing jewelry and makeup. But let me give you the secret to instantly scoring a man on the first date. Look in his eye and then look away. Then bat your eyelashes. Actually flutter them. Keep fluttering them until he’s a blur and nothing that he says makes sense. There’s nothing on this first date that means more to him than you playing coy. Practice this before you actually date a man. Do you want to remain single like that friend of yours who talks to people with confidence blazing through her eyes? I know some men fall for that but those are usually men who have some bad feministic qualities themselves. And who wants a feministic man? You want a real man.

2. Don’t ask too many questions. In fact ” I ask no questions” is how you should live your life. Don’t ask why, where, when or what. Don’t ask details of your future husband. Don’t ask your boss why he’s not paying you as much as he pays your male colleague. Don’t ask the lawmakers why you don’t own your body. The best decisions about you are made by men. Don’t doubt it. Don’t challenge it and don’t change it. This will cause the whole system to collapse.

3. Wear modest clothes. What? You don’t know what that means? What world do you live in? Modest clothes are what your husband, father and brother want you to wear. Ask them. They know. They’ll tell you. I know, I know! Now you’re going to assume that you already know what they prefer seeing women in but those skimpy outfits that they ogle at are what they like on characterless women like actresses, singers, fashion models, the woman walking down the street that they’re mentally undressing. You’re the protector of their honor. You should be covered from head to toe in a garb that makes it difficult for people to know whether you have breasts underneath your shirt or a penis underneath your pants. Keep this mystery going. Don’t worry! Your moment will come when you’ll get married to a stranger and you’ll get the chance to get naked and have sex with him about thirty minutes into the pleasantries which you guys are exchanging for the first time. This type of restriction that the men of your family now are imposing on you will not be practiced by them then. They’ll be practiced by your husband.

4. Now you might think that your period is a normal bodily function but you have no idea how insanely erotic it is for men, including the guy who happens to sell the sanitary pads that you use. The fact that he sees at least a dozen period pad boxes being bought everyday doesn’t do anything to condition him toward them and he still gets a little excited when he hands it to you. Now you have to be a victim to his perverse behavior because he has the key to the mint AKA your sanitary needs. But protect yourself from other harassers by brown-bagging it. Yes idiot! Have you never seen how women guard the secret of menstruation by brown-bagging their menstrual cups and tampons and pads, saying make-believe prayers during their period so people can be none the wiser and some women even wake up with the rest of the family for Suhoor and regularly eat Iftar just to fool the men in their family? Do some women even hide it from their husbands? Oh yeah! They don’t want to be disgusting to their husbands. If you want to be known as a good girl and a true lady, let your period be a secret and let the knowledge of that secret be a coveted type of information that you share with no one. Yes, not even your daughter. After all, there’s nothing better than learning about a period when you are getting your first period. It’s like learning all about sex right when you’re having it for the first time. It makes a lasting memory. Some women say the unpreparedness for it scars them for life but you’ve watched enough movies and read enough steamy novels to know about the birds and the bees. If you still get scarred by it then that’s your problem.

5. Another thing that ladies don’t do is laugh. I mean you can’t outwardly laugh. That’s not something that ladies or good girls do. You can have a stifled phantom of a laugh. You can smile discreetly. You can even smirk. But don’t laugh. Unless you want to be known as a whore. That’s not for you. In the same vein, girls don’t talk. Or sing. Or dance.

6. Now this one’s golden because this has been proved true by the utter disgust that men have shown towards it through the centuries. This thing that I’m going to talk about is something that will immediately rip you of your lady status. This one is the most precious. This one shouldn’t even be a question. This one has to go down in history as the biggest rule that is almost revered as a law and has been created by men almost on a whim but has the potential to change your everyday life. Listen closely and listen good! Good girls don’t discuss politics. Or religion. They follow religion but don’t ask questions about it. They are affected by politics but can’t ask questions about it or show any interest in it. I mean why would you even be interested in something as cerebral as politics (or as mundane as politics)? Are all the malls closed that you’re watching the presidential debate at home? Or all the spas closed that you’re debating with your brother about the next candidate for presidency instead of getting your manicure? Stop discussing politics. No one knows what’s good for you than a bunch of men who sit in the ivory tower. From abortion laws to your right to vote, these are formulas that are best devised and explained by men. They know everything. And may be you do too or even more but do you want to be unladylike and talk about politics when a guy is trying to woo you at a black tie dinner? That’s a turn-off and can lead to a non-husband state for the rest of your life.

7. A good girl doesn’t call her husband by his name. Okay let me explain! Do you call your father by his name? No, right? So how can you call your husband by his name? And especially because there are so many appropriate terms of endearment for him like “hey listen”, “please listen”, “are you there?”, “can you hear me?”, “I was saying”. This is a whole language that has been constructed by ladies all through the centuries so you would have a plethora of words to choose from. And you would still like to call him by his name? That’s not right. In fact that’s downright questionable behavior. It’s crass in how it sounds and characterless in its basis. Calling your husband by his first name is a sign of you being in love with him or possibly even having a relationship of equality with him. That gives the impression that you guys are enjoying a partnership. But that’s not what marriage is. Marriage is the constant subservient drudgery of your husband. And don’t think I’m asking you to replace the above mentioned “expressions of endearment” with “honey”, “my love”, “sweetheart”. Those words come out of a husband only for his wife. You wanna use those words? Do you wanna be called a whore by your mother-in-law?

8. Ladies are pious. Whatever that means. But they cover their body parts, keep their eyes low and don’t dress provocatively. What’s provocative, you ask? Well anything that leads to a man looking at a woman. It could be her burqa too. Which makes a burqa provocative also. But since the onus of a man’s piety is on us, any bad act that a man commits because a woman wasn’t dressed modestly is our responsibility. Now some women might say “I’m not dressed like a slut. He’s thinking like a rapist”. That’s a valid argument but if you want to be a lady, don’t make that argument with men. It’s like degrading their thought process. And dishonoring a man’s views is another unladylike behavior that you should avoid. Our piety also demands for us to cover for any crimes that our men might commit like extortion, money laundering, thefts and robbery. We don’t discuss them. If the law catches them then that’s between them and the law but you shouldn’t be advising your men on how to live life.

9. Sisterhood, womanhood, feminism, birth rights are taboo words. Good girls don’t associate with them. Good girls practice misogyny for acceptance by their male counterparts and actually may practice it more than some men. This is a survival tactic. Now you might wonder why some don’t practice it at all. Don’t compare yourself to them. Those women are with enlightened men who don’t need constant ego-stroking by putting down women. They’re humans first and men after. So they see women as equals. But do you think women and men are equals? Because you’re a woman of super questionable character if you consider men and women equals.

10. And lastly, good girls don’t talk about sexual assaults. They act like they never happened. Freud identified repression and suppression for a reason. Practice them. Good girls don’t talk about incest because “don’t you have any respect for your family to out such secrets?” Good girls guard these secrets and tell other women to guard them fiercely too. It is brazen and whorish to mention sexual abuse to our parents or the police. It’s about the family’s honor which is completely and totally reliant on the girl. In the same vein, girls don’t mention domestic violence, financial abuse. Also, while we are on the subject, good girls don’t divorce.

While this list isn’t comprehensive, it is helpful. Keep adding what you learn from life to this list everyday. It will be helpful for the woman of 2119.