Ten types of men you should avoid.

I know you hate me immediately. In an age where men are hard to come by, the last thing you wanna know is the types to avoid. And not one, two or three types but actually ten types.

Ten types? Ten whole types? I mean yes you knew of the clinger or the flaker or the player but another seven types? I know you’re stumped. I was too as one after the other, men continued to reveal themselves to me and kept getting added to the list.

This list is not comprehensive by far. Don’t think I’m giving you a bullet proof vest against non-date worthy men. This list comes from observation. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had ten more types to avoid.

1. The clinger: this is a particularly annoying type. Beware of getting sucked into their cute act. They are very clingy. They call after dropping you off to home, while you’re watching your favorite show, when you’re trying to shave your legs before the date. They call all the time. When they’re not on the phone with you, they’re texting you. Their texts are usually one-liners that require a long answer. Like “what do you think about life” or “why did your past relationships not work out” or “are your parents happy together”. They make sure that they spend as much time with you as possible and only take a break during sleep.

2. The flaker: this is the guy who is never available. Even though he claims to be dating you he is never available for an actual date. Basically, you’re in a relationship with his answering machine or his secretary. Even if he manages to make a date with you at a restaurant, he will either call at the last minute and cancel, or not show up at all and send two dozen flowers the next day or come for the dessert or just drinks. He also finds it hard to make an excuse for constantly not keeping his word. He just shrugs his shoulders when you confront him and uses nondescript terms like “whatever” or “just cuz” or ” I was gonna”.

3. The expresser: this guy is a liability. Because he likes to say everything. Because he says everything, you bear witness to everything he thinks. He expresses his opinions freely and remorselessly about everything, including the corns on your feet. Try to get away from him ASAP. He’s a liability and a half. He can actually get so descriptive that you might start hating yourself.

4. The promoter: this guy is always trying to sell his mom’s online makeup products to you. Don’t buy the product or him. Run as fast as you can.

5. The modest snake: yes he’s the snively type. He is actually quite accomplished in his own opinion but pretends to think of himself as a loser. In reality he has a way higher opinion of himself than he even deserves but he consciously plays the modest act so people can gush all over his measly accomplishments. He likes to hear things like “you a loser? If you’re a loser then I’m probably not even living everyday” or “you’re so amazing and modest” or “you’re so down to earth despite being so well-rounded”. He dates so women can inflate his actually deflating ego. If you are the type of person who can get annoyed with the cutesy act and constant self-deprecation of oneself then run for the hills.

6. The non-payer: don’t date him. He’s going to order the most expensive thing on the menu, eat most of it, pack some of it for the next day and not even pay. And don’t think he’ll come up with an excuse. He is just going to sit there waiting for you to get the check, or he’s going to suggest that you pay today and he’ll pay the next time you guys meet up or he’ll just offer to turn on the car and get the engine ready while you pay. If you’re the type of gal who can wait for five seconds after getting in the car for the engine to come to life, please don’t date him anymore.

7. The mom-lover: this guy is a consummate mom lover. It isn’t enough that he has spent most of his life so far in subservient drudgery of his mother, but he immediately claims fanship of your mom as well. He actually starts to pay more attention to your mom, buys opera tickets for her and forces you to enjoy activities with your mom that he has carefully planned. Don’t worry, he’s not a pervert. He just finds it irresistible to be the son that every woman ever wanted. He has the same regard and passion for his own mom and you regularly watch him bestow the same type of affection on any woman who has an age difference with him that could have potentially made her his mother.

8. The preacher: Beware of this one. He’s the preacher. Even though he dates multiple women in a year shamelessly, he’ll be quick to pick faults out with women dating men. He also has very strong opinions about any woman who is sitting in this restaurant right now with another man. Unless he can spot a wedding ring on both their hands, he’s not gonna have a favorable opinion of them. This guy is a contradiction of his sorry self. His opinions and judgments won’t remain confined to other people. Soon he’ll have one for you. Try to keep your dignity and identify this type as soon as possible.

9. The proposer: But whatever may be said of all the above, this one is the worst. This is the guy who jumps the gun almost always. He has proposed to most girls by the third date and has been dumped by all the girls by the third date. This guy is also a liability like the expresser. Because when you say no, he takes it like he’s hearing it for the first time. He almost cries and if tears aren’t coming naturally in the moment, he contorts his face to mimic a baby who was denied his favorite cookie because it’s time for bed. You can’t remain connected to him if you know what’s good for you. I know the ring he’s showing you looks like he has put some thought into it but how would you feel if I told you that this ring has been shown to eight other girls and has not won him a wife yet? Get my point here? Good girl!

10. The cousin: stay away from the cousin, Muslim girls! The cousin will be forced on you until you want to puke. He’s gonna be shown in several different lights of a husband like “a guy you’ve known all your life”, “the safest bet”, “the person whose every move is generally known to concerned parties and public”, “your blood relative”, “the nicer choice between the one who will carry out emotional and physical abuse and leave you to dry versus the cousin who will abuse you but drag your ass into the shade of a tree for you to proverbially die “. Don’t fall for this. This type of advertising campaign should make you very suspicious of the purported qualities of the cousin. Don’t think the cousin is cute either. With the amount of self-centeredness that we practice about our looks because of our fault-free selfie game, we are bound to like anything and anyone that even remotely looks like us. And trust me, the cousin looks like you. Even though you can’t see it now but people will tell you this as you’re at your wedding, trying to get all cheesy and romantic with him, that you guys look like siblings. No wedding night turn-off can beat that. Stay away from the cousin if you want to engage in occasional debauchery.

That’s it , folks! All I can do is try to save you. Rest is on the men out there. If they stay within these ten types then we are all good but if they’ve been branching out into more types then……. Lord help us!

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