I’m not a regular mosque-goer. I don’t offer prayers very regularly either. Try as I might I haven’t been able to maintain timeliness and discipline for Salah. I don’t think Allah considers this a moral failure. Allah knows that I try. Allah knows I feel responsible for my act of sometimes not being able to pray despite the intention. Allah knows that intention is the basis of all deeds.
But there are times when I pray hard. When I wake up in the middle of the night and I pray. When Sujood is the only posture that comforts me. When the only one who gets my tears is Allah and the only place I can let them flow is facing Kaaba, on my prayer mat facing one of my bedroom walls. How is my connection so instantly reestablished? I don’t know. It just happens. Allah is like the mother who never turns away from her child and doesn’t turn her child away from her. Allah is the only one who gets it. Allah is the only one who listens without judging, advising or interrupting. He doesn’t get tired of my complaining. I have to say that I’m guilty of burdening Him with my problems way more than pleasing Him with my shukr. A lot of people might call me a “Muslim in the making” but to me I’m a devout Muslim. I practice forgiveness as Allah shows to me. I give love as Allah gives to me. I nurture patience as Allah extends to me so freely.
So when I go in Sujood, I ask Allah “Can I open my heart to you now and will you remain the confidante that you’ve always been?” And always Allah makes my heart tremble with His love and even though I’ve never really heard Him to really put words to it, I feel His warmth around me. And through that warmth I draw the comfort that I need to be me.
I talk to Him, sometimes long-winded conversations that mean nothing and end in nothing. Sometimes I shamelessly, almost immediately say what I want and need. And sometimes, I’m just quiet, and He is quiet too and I just feel Him and His protection. Allah…he instills the fortitude in me that life asks so much of. Without Him my patience would run out and my grit would end. May He always be by my side through life 💕